I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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