I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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