I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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