I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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