he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
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I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
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It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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