saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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