I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
