he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
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