happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
my shit smells like andre
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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