My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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