You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
