I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
