I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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