i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
