Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
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my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
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I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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