Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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