I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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