Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
