dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
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