Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
