I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize