woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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