I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
