I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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