no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
