So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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