Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize