you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
