Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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