I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
God, I missed his penis.
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