I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
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