Pappa wants mamma naked
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
