That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
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I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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