:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
