12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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