Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
