My Higher Power is John Stamos
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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