im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
