He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
the condom got lost in my hair
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
