mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize