I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
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