If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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