Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
