you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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