a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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