Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
