If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
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Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
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I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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