i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
