i already hear my dad disowning me
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
