The maid of honor just puked.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
