I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize