evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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