I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
