Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
