69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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