Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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