I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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